i have my constraints and even though i know you didn't understand what i meant and was probably hurt by me, i'm sorry but you deserve much better. sorry.

i realized something about myself again. i know i cannot stay at home for nuts because thoughts keep entering my mind.

bad thoughts.

i miss you ):

...will anyone kill me if i say i wanna move journals (again)?

love, jan

“when one is in love, one always begins by deceiving oneself, and one always ends by deceiving others, that is what the world calls romance.” -oscar wilde

love, jan

"yup just try to make yourself impervious to all these. its hard i know but anw think of it this way. these are not the ppl you're gonna meet up with after you step out of mj anw."

true. very true.

dear God, help me to study hard and leave mj w. good grades. we shall walk together and let's not care too much about other things. 화이팅 (:

love, jan

you're fictional.

yes baby, you are.

love, jan

ever felt like you thought you could pour out your problems to a friend, someone you trust, someone you think can do or say something to make you feel better, but in the end when you find yourself sitting face-to-face with that person, nothing comes out from your mouth no matter how hard you try to put your thoughts into proper sentences?

one more day.

/edit
for the third time, someone says i'm being way too secretive.

my darling j2s, i know i suck but i really cannot afford to sms all of you! (i actually tried, and realized there are more than 10 of you to wish D:)

ALL THE BEST FOR GP TOMORROW :D you guys are awesome you all will do great ^^

p/s; go to www.last.fm and sign up! it's damn cool it tracks the music you play. and once you sign up let me know so i can add you as my friend hahahaha :D

love, jan

i didn't go to school today ): feeling quite guilty about it now. imagine all the work i've missed.

but i couldn't climb out of my bed today. i think i was too stressed 'cause i woke up several times throughout the night. at about 6am i woke up (again) and my head felt super heavy and it hurts and spins like nutcase so i told mom i wanted to stay home. even after i said that i stayed in bed and wondered if i should just go to school :/

all of a sudden i don't want nationals to come because i know once it comes (and goes), my teammates will leave and :/ idk i feel like this is just the beginning of our friendship. i am not ready to meet a new bunch of people i'm going to be with for another year. i can still remember the first time i entered the team, i thought it was so clique-ish and i didn't like it because i felt a little out of place. but as days pass by everyone seems to be okay with one another, esp. this year, i've made a point to study with them if any of them wants to and i just want to spend more time w. them. idek why ): it's a total change in perspective. i think they are really a nice group of people to be with. it's a pity i only got to realize that this year. love them to bitzxzx and piecezx.

p/s; my tortoise is damn cute.

love, jan

from now on my handphone will be switched off from the time i reach home from school to about 12am (when i go to bed). sorry if i don't reply. just don't sms me lah :D tbvh handphone isn't important to me at all. i can live w/o it actually.

reason #1
handphone bill is driving mom and i nuts.

reason #2
distraction.

btw i am feeling quite shitty at the moment D:

love, jan

after spamming chels's inbox with 'happy birthday' messages, i am tired and i shall go to bed.

happy 18th darling :'D

love, jan

everyone has a significant friend to stick to.

where's mine?

i think i found him (: got to be stronger this time.

it's chelsea's birthday in about 4 more hours (: darling, happy 18th. i'm so glad your birthday is finally here. jasmine law and i are super broke this month please! love you~

love, jan

i have no idea whether i'm an introvert or an extrovert. i think i'm both :D

the stupid personality test mj made us do made me an esfj. but if i don't remember wrongly, other than f, i have really low percentages for the other 3.

( learning to fall - on my own )

all the best for math test tomorrow~

/edit
worldmathday.com is super addictive. i lost to someone from china, though D:!!!

love, jan

i love gina so much (:

and bingran, though i think boys are generally gross and smelly, i think you're really an exception! love you too :D

vday is full of love, no?

the seafood is awesome we should totally go there again! (:

life rocks when you have good friends like mine.

love, jan

can i say a few random things before i disappear from the face of the blogging world? reason being school is starting tomorrow and mom is suddenly becoming so strict idek why.

- i love 08S417. sometimes i wish there's a word stronger than 'love' itself. um, just wanna let you guys know that i will miss all of you very very much and i will always be thinking about you guys because y'all are the first group of people i met in mj and that means a lot to me. special people, all the best for a's okkk (:

- 09S415 is going to be fun, i hope. all glory to God for placing me with people i know.

- i sound like a frog now.

- i am totally ignoring the fact that school is officially starting tomorrow. ugh, the thought of it disgusts me. i'm still in the orientation mood with all that screaming and cheering :Dv i love meridian.

- omg i can't believe i just said that (:

- even though i am really jealous of everyone who went for the bkk concert, i believe i will get my chance one day. but the sad, maybe unfortunate, thing is... i guess my interest in kpop is fading away. it's been 2 weeks since i last heard anything about them.

- i am happy. that's the most impt thing of all.

- good luck to everyone who has to go to school tomorrow (that's practically everyone) :D!

- and see you later, gf (:

love, jan

i struggle too. just like anyone else.

love, jan

i shall not be angry on the second day of chinese new year.

love, jan

today i realized something awesome about myself. i am really not sad about repeating j1 again. the fact that i could talk to joan about it shows how much i'm really over it. of course there are times i regret, but i'm really going easy now.

i went back to school for cny celebration. what else can i say other than i really miss 08S417 very much? it's God-given; all my classmates and teachers. i think i like mj quite a lot (:

i'm really proud that the class won cny class decor. this may sound rather stupid but when xtina, mich, yy and i talked about this over dinner, we realized that actually the joy we felt at the point of time is indescribable. after going through all that excitement we wonder why that happiness is so overwhelming when it's only, as you may say, a stupid competition.

i don't think we need a reward for decorating our classroom so beautifully.

it's the class spirit.

have i mentioned how much i love our class hoodie? :3 it's awesome.

after the celebration i went to meet the volleyballers for steamboat at yuki yaki (: we took a lot of photos and had a lot of fun. i ate a lot, as usual. i love my teammates. after lunch we went to look for our tights but ended up not buying.

shopped around with mich, yy and xtina at raffles city after that before going down to the dessert shop yy wanted to bring us to. we got kinda lost along the way and i was really, extremely tired, so by the time we reached the cafe i fell asleep on the table without even realizing.

today is such a long yet fun day.

are there moments when you feel like spending time with yourself? i think i haven't been spending time with myself lately. shall do so tomorrow :D i need to shop for cny clothes!

p/s; thank you michele for the note (: it means a lot to me and just so you know, being in different schools doesn't mean the friendship is going to end at this point~ ^^

love, jan

i promise to sleep after this because it's already 12:58am and i need to get up by 7am (latest) for mass dance. i is not going to be an ogl next year even if the school offers me 100 hours cip.

in the end we watched red cliff 2, which turned out to be better than expected since i really don't have much interest in anything that has got to do with chinese. language. culture. everything.

i decided not to rush back to school for ogl meeting because the movie ended so much later than i thought, so we sat at starbucks for a nice chat ♥ i can still remember meeting mz for the first time :D we were shy around each other and talking to her felt like the most uncomfortable thing to do on earth. but now it's amazing how she can see right through my heart. it's kind of freaky but she's so sensitive to my feelings that she knows exactly how to make me happy and what to do when i have my crankiest moments. i'm glad i'm able to do the same to her too, or so i think :3

we went to sit at my favourite hang-out place (mac'd) and did silly things like discussing about what subjects she should take. i swear i gave her the look when she told me she feels like taking chinese lit ._. i mean, whut D: chinese lit?! *faints*

i felt super fat after eating one packet of large fries so we strolled to plaza sing and on the way we couldn't stop laughing even though everything wasn't funny in the first place. i mean, come on, we even laughed at street names. she tried to convince me that yunjae is real ._. we laughed again shortly after because she said "cyworld sounds like sai world..." ;_; the gayest moment ever ♥

by the time we reached ps i was already very tired. i tried to hunt for volleyball shoes but world of sports doesn't have the design i'm looking for. i bought new earphones for my zen 'cause the old one died on me D: 29 buckaroos flew away just like that :/ *cries*

i took 518 home and i'm never going to do so again. it's 2 buckaroos from town to pasir ris and it takes nearly an hour. i slept on the way and accidentally leaned on a stranger who happened to be sitting next to me. talk about embarrassment D: my butt hurts from that crazy bus ride.

sometimes life throws us a lemon, whether we like it or not.

p/s; steamboat :D♥!

love, jan

love, jan